Dear Tonto Dikeh,
I know you feel beautiful this morning! Well, beauty is in
the eyes of the beholder. For me, you are nowhere near ‘beautiful’. You are
just there. But before I tell you what I really want to tell you, I need to
tell you something. There is a lady called Adele. She is a singer. She sings. I
need to explain what a singer means, because I understand that you have no
brain at all. Because I hate sugar-coating, I am hated by a lot of people. You
are just like me too. I will understand when people hate you, but, seriously,
if you think Igbo men are nosy, then, you are right. That is your opinion and
you must protect it.
I am an Igbo man. I will defend myself right now. Back to
Adele. I will tell you everything about this young lady who transformed herself
into something very beautiful in the eyes of men. I also understand that you
don’t know her, but it won’t hurt if I tell you about her now. This is what
TIME magazine wrote about her few days ago: “As talented and appealing as she
is, few could foresee how utterly dominant Adele would be in 2011: in an era
where even the highest-tier musical acts can struggle to move records, her
sophomore effort, 21, sold 17 million copies worldwide and spent 16 weeks at
the top of the Billboard 200 chart, the longest for any record since 1998's
Titanic sound track. Combined with sales of her previous album, 19, Adele has
topped the U.K. charts for 21 weeks — a feat matched only by the bands Oasis
and Queen.” Tonto nne m, Adele is 23. You are older. She is not worried about
her future. You are. She is focused about her music.
You are worried that no Igbo man will marry you after you’ve
created yourself into a bamboo stick. Truth is that I don’t know you
personally, but you’ve created a strong mystery around yourself.
People see you
as a soul from hell. They say you’ve sold your soul to the devil. Me, I don’t
know where the devil lives, but I think you have. You even went ahead to show
us tattoos at your back. I just didn’t understand why you did that. As an Igbo
man, I will never marry a woman who has shown the entire world ‘my tattoos.’ It
is not good. I am an Igbo man, so I will need to know who snapped the picture.
Maybe, your secret boyfriend? This is the reason why we are bad, abi? Adele
doesn’t go around seeking attention. She doesn’t pay anyone to publish pictures
of her tattoos. Who knows? She may just have a lot of them. I haven’t seen
them. I have seen yours.
There is nothing wrong in you tattooing your entire body,
but what is my business with that? Are you not supposed to be an actress? Of
course, I understand that you appear in pornographic films now? That is good.
At least, you are doing what you know best. But to pick on Igbo men? This is
very unacceptable. You insulted a lot of us. This simply shows how unintelligent
you are towards anthropology. Men are the same all over the world. Igbo man,
Yoruba man, Hausa man.
We all treat women in similar ways. We love
unconditionally. And we all become nosy when our women start acting like you.
If your father is an Igbo man, dearest Tonto Dikeh, you are a monkey. But I
will be sorry if you didn’t say that. I only rely on the media, since I don’t
know you personally. If you didn’t say it, Tonto, I am very sorry. I will
publicly apologise. Yet, I believe you did, because you do so many things after
marijuana. If it’s not good for your brain, stop smoking. Listen to Adele’s
Someone Like You and you will feel good.
I don’t look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Onyeka Nwelue.
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